Anne Frank

[#644]

[Note: Browsing my local bookstore I was entertained to see this notorious fake being placed in the section it deserved. They shoved so many lies down our throats I think it is time we vomit...]

[Note: Can vampires get any more stupid? 'Vampire Crime Unit'?]

[Below: Circa 1995. Scary huh?]

[Below: back]

[Below: Lady Vampyre]

[Note: This hefty book, weighing in at almost 300 thick pages, is the history of Hellhammer and Celtic Frost, as told by their frontman. Unfortunately is doesn't cover the period when they went glam, I'm sure that's a sore spot for them even now. Probably why they cut the history at 1985, since the horrid album 'Cold Lake' came out three years later. With hits like 'Seduce Me Tonight' and 'Dance Sleazy' this band must have gone insane. Probably a victim of popularity. We've all seen too many bands get popular and suddenly change their style to something more mainstream. But Hellhammer played a part in my youth, so the book was interesting to me.]

[Below: Band picture from the 'Cold Lake' album. Compare the picture with that above and you'll have a hard time accepting this is the same band.]

[Okay, story time. Growing up my group of friends and I knew two older stoners who lived in our neighborhood. While we were teenagers, they were in their early thirties. Both were very laid back and cool guys. Everyone went to their house when they needed someone old enough to buy alcohol. The same situation is familiar to everyone all over the country I'm sure. Their names were Tim and Bones.
All of us who grew up in those times have many crazy memories of those two metal heads. One thing those two utterly agreed on was their favorite bands were Hellhammer and especially Venom. It was Cronos this and Venom that all day long. Imagine the stereotypical stoner voice mumbling "Eh fuckin Venom... fuckin gods man..."
I loved Venom. When I was twelve years old I first heard Black Metal and was instantly converted. But Venom to these two was a RELIGION.
Bones was a pretty ragged guy, happy-go-lucky, floating from house to house, not having a home, just following the parties. But one of the few things he owned was a collection of Venom picture vinyls. Kept beautiful, they were rare even back then. All of us coveted them, but not more than he did. They were religious artifacts to him.
The other of the two, Tim, lived with his retarded wife, who supported him through government assistance. He was a little bit older than Bones but equally in love with Venom.
The years passed and one day two of my friends decided to prank Tim. We hadn't really talked with him in a few years. They called him up on the telephone and told him that they had gone and seen Venom live, and asked why he didn't go (keep in mind this was back when Venom was broken up). They also told him that Bones went to the show with them and had told them that Tim didn't like Venom anymore. They went on about how they wanted to pick Tim up and take him with them to the show but Bones told them he hated Venom now and wouldn't want to go. They went on and on about how awesome the show was, a one time Venom reunion. They even got to go on Cronos' tour bus and party with him!
Tim was disturbed by all of this but didn't really believe the story. So he called up the local rock radio station and in his stoned voice mumbled "Eh man did fuckin' Venom really come and play?"
Well the DJ who answered the phone, by amazing luck to the pranksters, said "Yeah man! What you didn't go see them?!"
Tim went berserk. He called back the pranksters cussing and yelling. I heard later that he had trashed his own house, breaking anything he could get his hands on. Suddenly things got a bit more serious though. He told the two pranksters over and over how he was going to kill Bones. At first they brushed it off but they quickly realized he just might do it. And they certainly didn't want to be responsible, so they told him it was just a joke.
But coupled with the DJ's 'affirmation' he didn't believe them. He thought they were trying to protect Bones. After that I didn't see either of them for years.
Until one day I saw Bones at a gas station near my house. It turned out that he lived right down the street with a girlfriend. So he invited me back to his house to catch up on things and have a few beers. Reluctantly I agreed out of boredom. We went to his house where I met his girlfriend, an overweight and rather unfriendly girl who didn't have much to say as she disappeared up some stairs. We sat in the small living room and immediately Bones pressed play on his ramshackle little boom box. No surprise, Venom greeted my ears. The cassette was worn from thousands of plays.
After a beer or so his girlfriend yells down the stairs to turn the music down. I didn't think it was loud. It was actually on the low side. But whatever. Bones went over to it and fiddled with some buttons and sat back down. I don't even think he did anything. It sounded exactly the same. Another beer went by and suddenly his girlfriend lumbered down the stairs and without a word removed the cassette and snapped it over her knee!
Bones leaped up and exclaimed "My Venom tape, come on baby...what the hell?"
I thought, wow, that was fucked up, what a bitch. And calmly watched as Bones argued a bit with his girlfriend. Suddenly, and I can only presume that Bones did not realize that she had actually broken the cassette, he picked it up off the floor and went ballistic.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU BROKE MY VENOM TAPE!!!"
Bones grabbed the boom box and to my astonishment began to beat his girlfriend over the head with it! Through the mumbling growls I could only hear the word VENOM...
I stood up looking to the door when I saw her cower down as he continued to thrash her with the boom box. The last I saw he began to kick her with his boots. That's the last I saw of Bones and haven't seen Tim either in many years. But I'm sure somewhere out there they are still kicking back listening to Venom like the good old days... Lesson learned: Don't ever joke around about Venom and for god sakes don't ever fuck with a man's Venom tape! HAHAHA!]

[Below: The master himself, Cronos of Venom]

[Note: I can only always count on my brother-in-metal from Gravesite Productions to send me fresh batches of underground flyers. This time however I was graced with a cool pin. Do people still wear these on their jackets?]

[Below: I have this awkward contraption that makes pins, but it's a process to get them straight. Here are some of the ones I've made.]