Trash and Treasure Page One Hundred and Three

[Page One Hundred and Three]

!@#$%^&*!

[#773]

Album cover

[Note: Wow, there are some indecipherable logos out there, and this is one of them. The word Excoriation is a disorder defined as: '...pathologic skin picking, compulsive skin picking or psychogenic excoriation...[it] is a mental disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin.' So the album's title could also be Surgical Skin Picking... which like most things in the world today makes absolutely no sense.]

Booklets

[#774]

Religious propaganda

[Note: These hilarious little booklets are released by a Christian company called 'Chick Publications' out of California and are sent to me from time to time. I'm unsure how long these things have been around, or how many have been published, but I've seen dozens over the years and imagine there are probably legions of them out there. Like many mainsteam religious things in our modern hypocritical and foolish world these things are usually unintentionally very funny. One of these booklets we look at today is especially hilarious because it attempts to demonize something that many of us have enjoyed at one time or another: Dungeons & Dragons.

Personally, I've always loved role-playing games, especially TSR's 2nd edition of D&D (and previous material). My friends and I have shared mountains of laughs during our play sessions, and I actually learned a fair share of knowledge from role-playing. Things like mythology, history and even grammar. I've played the game with numerous Dungeon Masters (the storyteller), some good, most bad, but was blessed for the large part to have a marvelous Dungeon Master. Our creativity and imaginations soared through the tools given us through D&D. Our settings and stories were rich, colorful, extremely detailed and diverse. Sometimes we would get lost in this other world for many hours, often the campaigns were so story-rich that we wouldn't even pick up our dice. It was wonderful escapism.

Were our experiences evil? Sometimes, sure. Incredibly in fact. But our campaign, which spanned several years, was one of a struggling force of 'good' versus an all-powerful 'evil'. Most of us chose to be on the good side. Not a 'good' like that presented by today's mainstream religions, but a natural, true good that followed conscience and instinct.

There is nothing I hate more than idiots like whoever wrote this pamphlet blatantly lying about D&D. Anyone with half a brain would read this pamphlet and laugh at what an ignorant fool these people who wrote this are (and you don't even have to have ever played a role-playing game to see this).

I do however have a funny memory to share with you that involved potential violence! hehe...

When we were teenagers we used to gather to play D&D at a friend's house who had cool parents that wouldn't bother us while we played. He had a huge old crude table in his bedroom for the purpose of playing the game, which we eventually filled with all manner of graffiti. During one evening in particular there were five of us playing. One person was playing a fighter character. At the beginning of the adventure his character was attacked by a disease-carrying creature known as a neo-otyugh. He missed his saving throws against the creature's attack and was inflicted with a deadly leprotic disease.

[Above: Here is a profile of a neo-otyugh from the 1978 D&D Monster Manual]

Well, seemingly he was in luck, however, as one of the other players was a cleric with a spell capable of removing the disease and healing him. That's where the trouble began. It was toward the end of the adventure when the guy with the now dying character, whom he loved and was of fairly high level, casually asked the guy with the cleric to heal him.

By now everyone was preparing to go home and all the guy with the cleric had to do was say "Okay I heal him". It would have cost him nothing to heal him, he just needed to give the word and everyone would have gone home happy.

[Above: Here is a profile of a plain otyugh from the 1978 D&D Monster Manual]

But the guy with the cleric could be annoyingly logical at times. He told the guy with the dying character "My character doesn't know your character very well, so why would he heal him?"

The dying fighter's controller pleaded "Oh come on dude, just heal me. I'll even pay you such and such gold pieces... don't be a dick."

By now we, as spectators to this growing argument, were laughing our asses off. The guy with the cleric insisted his character didn't even like the diseased fighter, so he flatly told him again and again "No, it would be illogical for [cleric character's name] to heal your character..."

Finally the guy with the dying fighter threw down the folder containing his doomed character and in a burst of anger he snarled "Well fuck you then, let's take this outside and settle it!!!"

The guy with the cleric just shook his head with a smile and called him a freak and told him not to take things out of the game. But by now he was extremely angry and snapped back "You're the one taking it out of the game! You got a problem with me in real life mother fucker! Let's take this outside!"

We laughed at them for years following this foolish incident. We were able to calm the situation and no one got beat up. However, sadly, the character died a horrible, painful, diseased death.

*crying*

R.I.P. Death Lord (not really his name)

We miss you.]

[Above: The otyugh doing what he does best]

[Below: Me fondling a neo-otyugh toy from the 1980s! It's so cute! hehe]

[Below: Two seconds into our friendship and we're already fighting!]

[Below: This would make a very dark and scary black metal cover, admit it!]

[Below: Yep, I was right... total evil!]

[Above: Neo-otyugh pictures courtesy of the Official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual by the high priest of evil himself - Gary Gygax!]

[Below: 'Okay, Dungeon Master. My spell of light blinds the monster.' This person has obviously never played D&D. The player does not decide what happens, it is the Dungeon Master who decides if a spell works on a particular monster (based on a variety of factors). I like the part where they are like 'Get out of here. YOU'RE DEAD! You don't exist anymore.' That's not how I remember it when a player's character dies! haha... Your character died, get the fuck out of my house! We're not friends anymore! Maybe these Christians have played some form of EXTREME Dungeons & Dragons?! Like played in a cave or a graveyard or something?]

[Below: Damn, at 8th level she was ready to cast real spells?! I've seen people with characters that were 30-40th level and were jobless, with no money, girlfriend or car, and even bumming cigarettes off people. We must have been doing something wrong... At 8th level Debbie could do some real evil spells in D&D though. Ancient, dark incantations like:

Animal Friendship
Create Water
Invisibility to Animals
Barkskin
Speak with Animals
Warp Wood
Cure Blindness or Deafness
Plant Growth

Some blood-curdling stuff eh? Definitely 'intense occult training' to be an evil... veterinarian?]

[Below: Let me fix this to be a little more exciting:

'What spell did you cast, Debbie?'

To which the witch replied:

'I was thirsty and too lazy to get a drink of water so I just used the ancient D&D incantation Create Water... I later even cast Plant Growth on my Geranium! It was so fuckin' dark and evil!' ]

[Below: $200.00 in D&D books! Nice going Debbie! But why stop there, why not $2000.00 and get every D&D book ever made? You could be the Wizard Master and control every house plant on your whole block! Or even befriend that evil, yappy poodle down the street with an ancient spell or two.]

[Below: This is so idiotic. Prove to me there is one instance of a person killing themselves over a D&D character's death. You can't, because not even in a world full of idiots has this ever happened. Yeah, it sucks when your favorite character dies. But you roll up another character and move on. Maybe start that orc bard you've been meaning to try out?]

[Below: 'Spirits of Warpwood and Barkskin, BEGONE!']

[Below: Damn, Debbie had a shitload of Dungeons & Dragons stuff! Check out the size of that bonfire. I think they might have snuck in some Jewish books into that pile.]

[Below: Ah, The Greatest Insult, what could it be?...]

[Below: Okay, so a black rat asks how to destroy the king, who throws all kinds of cool parties, and they all are just like 'Yeah, let's destroy that fucker']

[Below: Yeah, that whole apple thing worked out real well, huh?]

[Below: Okay, correct me if I'm wrong but this sounds a hell of a lot more evil than D&D.]

[Below: I know what! A Neo-Otyugh!]

[Below: If the Christian God gave them free will, then why the hell does he get so homicidally mad when people don't grovel at his feet? Seems ridiculous to me. I mean, I'll be the first to admit, I'm no fan of humans, in fact, I think that most of them are worthless filth. But how can you get mad when you are the one that created them? If it makes you so smoking angry, ready to commit planetary genocide, then next time make the human race not a bunch of assholes.]

HAIL DUNGEONS & DRAGONS!

Let's roll for initiative, you evil bastards...

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. This beast is from 1980, made by Mattel. Although it is from 1980 it still has that 70s feel to it.]

Dungeons & Dragons

[#775]

Heaps and heaps of evil tomes and ritual devices

[Note: Evil cometh in many forms, my raven-black, razor-taloned friends of darkness. The pervasive evil of Dungeons & Dragons comes in many forms as well, sometimes a role playing game, sometimes an electronic board game, other times a traditional board game, and even DVD games. Let's take a look of some of the great objects of darkness through the blood-spattered years. All images click to enlarge!]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. Side view. Check out those evil bastards cackling with sadistic glee on the side of the box!]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. Bottom. 'A game of strategy. A game of skill. A game of adventure. A game of total fucking evil.' ]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. The beast itself.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. Board detail.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. Metal game pieces.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game. Book of evil curses and incantations (game instructions).]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Game. Here is a later boardgame from 1991.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Game. Back.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Game. Game board (paper), instructions and cardboard game pieces.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Game. Game pieces close-up.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Fantasy Adventure Game Expert Set. Unlike the large Expert Set of the same type, this one is about the size of playing cards. I'm not sure what this was for. Maybe so you could take the game easily into caves, drainage tunnels, graveyards and the like. You know, the places where it was MEANT to be played. (c)1980.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Fantasy Adventure Game Expert Set. Back.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Fantasy Adventure Game Expert Set. Contents.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Fantasy Adventure Game Expert Set. Close-up of art on book #1.]

[Above: Dungeons & Dragons Fantasy Adventure Game Expert Set. Close-up of art on book #2.]

Adventures in Satanism, killing, black magic and whatver else you want to throw in... (from oldest to newest)

[Above: (art within Against Darkness!)]

And most evil of all was the world of Ravenloft. Ravenloft was a fun place where evil people were rewarded for their hard earned work and taken away to a place of eternal happiness and parties.

[Above: Okay this one is not an adventure, but a boxset with additional campaign settting material, but since the picture is so cool I threw it in.]

[Above: The Palladium Role-Playing Game (revised edition), 5th printing, (c)September 1988.]

[Above: This very lame disclaimer is printed at the beginning of the book. I like how they put capital 'ALL' of us, just in case someone thought they spotted one of their artists or writers at a Satanic sacrifice. Besides, everyone knows that role-playing games, and the entire human imagination for that matter, are evil as all hell.]

[Above: Monsters and Animals, third printing, (c)October 1989.]

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